The Diaries of Jose Rizal

The Diaries of Jose Rizal
MADRID -- 1 JANUARY 1883 - NOVEMBER 1884


1st January 1883

Night, I don't know what vague melancholy, an indefinable loneliness, smothers my soul. It is similar to the profound sadness that cities manifest after a tumultuous rejoicing, to a city after the happiest celebration. Two nights ago, that is, 30 December, I had a frightful nightmare when I almost died.1 I dreamed that, imitating an actor dying on the stage, I felt vividly that my breath was failing and I was rapidly losing my strength. Then my vision became dim and dense darkness enveloped me -- they were the pangs of death. I wanted to shout and ask for help from Antonio Paterno, feeling that I was about to die. I awoke weak and breathless.

The last day of the year I spent at the home of Mr. Pablo Ortiga.² I was gay; I don't know why I joked a lot and lost.³ We went home at five o'clock and Pat., Cal., Per., and Let.⁴ slept at home. We spent the day together and went to Elvira's house...lottery and I lost. I went home at night and wrote.Read more >